I love my friends!

"I do not wish to treat friendships daintily, but with the roughest courage. When they are real, they are not glass threads or frost-work, but the solidest thing we know."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

      

 As Emily Dickinson says, ‘my friends are my estate.’ I love my friends, so here is a little humorous look at all the different friend types I have been blessed with in my life. Some are generic, others you may be able to work out! All were written with affection.

The Cameo:  The friend that is flakier than a 99p flake. This is the kind of person that rocks up to pre drinks an hour late, downs a bottle of wine, and then wanders off never to be seen again. Often found passed out in bushes, their company is fleeting yet rewarding. This friend often makes outlandish excuses to get out of social occasions. For example, he/she was supposed to look after his/her mother’s favourite houseplant and it died. They now have to go out and purchase a cactus to replace the plant with a more exotic counterpart. Which will mean flying to Mexico. Sorry.

The Pseudo Intellectual: The friend, usually a male, who fancies himself as a smarty pants but in reality is a little bit of a phoney. Usually found misquoting Nietzsche, this friend can fool many, but you’ve got him sussed! He is frequently found watching foreign films and documentaries about the Atom Bomb. He thinks that Tolstoy’s War and Peace is the dog’s bollocks….despite only reading the first 100 pages ... and he never has a structured an argument to back up his elaborate points. He usually illustrates his ‘intellectualism’ with flowery vernacular not dissimilar to the assertive feminist. He protests about Tibet. He is a friend who goes through many phases to make himself stand out. He might participate in ju jitzu, learn Klingon or read Chomsky in his spare time. He is also a big fan of travelling, however only if it is for spiritual or intellectual ‘enlightenment’.  He has sampled cuisine from all five continents and frequently whips up Asian inspired entrees. He believes that he is the thinking woman’s crumpet. Wears waistcoats.

The Early Riser: This is the friend, usually a girl, who has a tattoo of carpe diem on her foot. Every day is a challenge, an opportunity to be seized. She revels in achievement from dawn til dusk. She has never got up past 9am in her life, even with mammoth hangovers. In these situations, when everyone else has lost the power of speech and are attending to their panda eyes, this friend has been up for two hours, washed her hair, got dressed and done a few sudokus.  A mesmerizing force of optimism and energy. She usually has an actual talent, a talent that makes your year 5 rendition of the Eastender’s theme tune on the clarinet at a concert deplorable. Occasionally displays geeky tendencies that are not discernable to the naked eye. You know though, you’ve seen her sci-fi collection in her room!  

The Love/Hate pairing: The two friends in your friendship group that simultaneously love and hate each other. It’s all a game of cat and mouse and pig-tail pulling, as they pretend to argue about everything! Music, politics, comedy, adverts. When I say pretend, I mean pretend. These two friends probably have more in common than Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee and clearly enjoy some good sparring. There are lots of affectionate insults flung around and the sharp tongued jibes are laced with sexual tension. Of course the love/hate friends are unaware of this tension, but that’s what makes it all the more entertaining. You have always found it amusing that for two people who vehemently express their loathing for each other, they spend an inordinate amount of time in each other’s company….  

The Genius with no common sense: This friend, it has to be said, is usually a male. He is possibly considered one of the great minds of the day, has studied medicine, law, economics at a prestigious University. He has probably already had something significant published in a journal. He excels at all academia, and yet he is an idiot of unquantifiable proportions. He lacks a lot of social awareness, is tactless and cannot hold his drink. Usually oblivious to his surroundings, this friend will lie across a tram track after a glass of shandy and pass out at inappropriate occasions. Often wears oddly matched socks.

The Whimsical Daydreamer: This is a floaty type of friend, usually a girl, who seems to exist in her own mind. Often adorned in hippy attire, this girl seems to glide into a room, like a bat in a poncho. She is distressed because the last leaf of the sycamore tree in the garden has fallen. This represents destruction. This friend often has a quiet, silvery voice and makes her own jewellery. She likes art house films and conspiracy theories, particularly if they indicate that the end of the World is nigh. She likes clothes with toggles on them. Toggles.

 The Singing Sensation:  This is a friend who sings everywhere! In their room, in the shower, on the toilet, in the garden, walking to work, walking from work, in the living room and over the TV. This friend probably loved musicals as a child and still has dreams of Broadway. Unfortunately this friend is completely unaware that his/her singing sounds like a bag of cats been thrown against a brick wall and unassumingly irritates you all with his/her less than perfect pitch. Probably owns a guitar. Probably can play the guitar much better than he/she can sing. He/she is unaware of this. Extremely complex songs are often attempted with disastrous consequences. Dido should never ever be attempted if you have a flat voice!

The PR Guru: Your friend, who outside your friendship group may be referred to as a control freak. This friend could rule the world, like Pinky and the Brain but the Brain does not like to share power with Pinky. In this metaphor, we, as the ‘other’ are Pinky. This friend is an organising machine and occasional megalomaniac, it’s his/her way or the highway. This friend is obsessed with tiny details and woe betide anyone who does not live up to expectations. However he/she is the first to organise surprise birthday parties and ‘spontaneous’ city breaks. This friend always gets the drink to nibble ratio at parties right, and is a connoisseur when it comes to diplomacy. This friend is fabulous at advising how to avoid tricky social situations and is swiftly turning PR Guru for your friendship group. Move aside Max Clifford.

The Assertive Feminist: Ah, the female friend who is extremely fierce. Not Beyonce fierce. Like scary fierce. She is usually known for being a master of the eye roll. She is pretty good at the eyebrow raise too. This usually occurs after a misogynistic comment by a male. A misogynistic comment she feels was masquerading under the pretence of laddy banter! She is a fan of Germaine Greer and spends a lot of time reading feminine discourse and defending her sex. She is probably an expert in the field of forced female circumcision. As a result she over compensates in the aggression department on occasions and scares a lot of men. Ironically though, most of her friends are men as she regards overly girly behaviour as something that must be thwarted. Despite this, she is genuinely nice to her few girl friends. Opinionated, sharp, and sarcastic, this girl uses unnecessarily elaborate vocabulary to make her point. She does not understand most of it. For the few who know her well, she is actually a massive baby and can often be found crying to Joni Mitchell and Eva Cassidy. She has a penchant for stray dogs. Oh, this friend type is often placed in the love/hate pairing.

The One with Peter Pan syndrome:  Usually a male friend who is not growing up at the same rate as most of your friendship group. It’s the end of university and most of your friends are settling down with long term girlfriends, getting jobs but this boy is still planning the next chunder induced pub crawl. This friend usually accuses other male friends who have serious girlfriends of turning into dullards. He resents change, and quite frequently harbours Freudian  homoerotic desire for his ever dwindling circles of lads. This friend mainly sees relationships as suffocating, but does not mind an anonymous tryst now and then. Often found smacking the gluteus maximus of a trampy, inebriated fresher at the student ‘cheese’ night. Despite such flaws, this friend is endearingly vulnerable due to his childishness and flocks of premature mother hen types rush to his assistance…. He usually seduces them.