John Lewis- The Devil in Disguise

                         

I have a bone to pick. A big one. You may think I will be reflecting on the Euro crisis, Greece in turmoil, Libya, Syria, student protests, James Murdoch, phone tapping, or any other crucial news story to hit Britain this past month. After all, these factors are shaping a New Britain. A Britain existing entirely of euro sceptics, media cynics and curmudgeonly worriers. Well, important they may be, but I apologise. Something far less important has pissed me off. Are you ready? Drum roll….. John Lewis. Bloody John Lewis. And what are they guilty of? Corporate sentimentality in the first degree. I mean really, their adverts are vomit-inducing. This violent reaction may seem unfairly misanthropic and I probably now appear to be a heartless bastard. Well I am a bastard but I’m certainly not heartless. Lots of things make me cry. Here’s a list. Old men alone in pubs (we’ve covered this one before), animals being tortured/killed in films, animals being ridiculed in films, animals winning their freedom in films, animals being picked on by their peers, animals proving their worth to their peers, Piers Morgan, ‘The Elephant Man’, ‘The Great Escape’ (why do all the Brits die and all the Americans survive?), the outcast child playing alone in the playground, the outcast teenager sitting alone for lunch, Ludovico Einaudi, ‘Watership Down’, boiled eggs and the acting prowess of Nicholas Cage. See, I have feelings. I’m not a drone, hell bent on sucking the joy out of life. I am a drone hell bent on bringing down John Lewis’ reign of sugary sweetness. Good grief, when I saw their first advert, you know the ‘she’s only a woman to me’ one, I was certain it was about cancer. Definitely a cancer advert. Or a Tena lady advert….. But more likely to be cancer, it was that sentimental! I really thought it was gearing up for a climatic ending, I was preparing myself. My bottom lip was wobbling; I had a twitch in the left eye, a glisten of a tear in the other. Oh God she’s going to die. It makes perfect sense. Except it didn’t make perfect sense. It was about John Lewis. You know that huge billionaire shopping chain. Exploitative drivel, I was expecting a death! No advert that sentimental should be about a department store! It should be about cancer, or Africa, or donkey charities.  Though that advert enraged me, more insanity was to follow. Next was the overly simpering Christmas advert of 2010. An advert that will forever be engraved in my memory for being cruel to animals. Yeah everybody is having a hunky-dory Christmas inside, with the warm log fire burning, presents galore, grandpa asleep in the armchair after pigging out on sprouts, you know the usual. But where is the dog? Oh he’s only outside alone in Siberian winter conditions.  Seriously I’m surprised I didn’t see icicles clinging onto to his shaggy coat. But wait, a small child has recognised the dog’s plight. He’s coming out to bring him back in to the house. Hooray! Oh no, no he’s going to taunt the animal by hanging a stupid stocking up in the medieval looking kennel, and then leave with a sarcastic wave.  And then John Lewis has the temerity to leave you with the ironic tag of ‘For those who care about showing they care.’  Pah!  

                    

 That’s not very Christian. But then Christmas isn’t very Christian either these days.  Warped Christmas spirit has overtaken the real importance. Spread a little good will, just as long as it comes with a 30 return day back guarantee.  So really, advertising is just feeding on the beast within.  Corporate Christmas has been kicking around for a while, but nothing has caused more of a stir than the new John Lewis 2011 Christmas advert. I have been told by numerous people how moving it is, and that it will definitely reduce me to tears. I finally saw it. Wow. First of all, I think this is dangerous. Parents all over Britain will be comparing their own brats to the John Lewis angel incarnate wishing to god that little Wayne will morph into a loving, unselfish child of unbelievable proportions. The prognosis of this ever happening? Not good. Particularly if you have called your kid Wayne. Seriously, children like that do not exist. For one thing, a child that young would not have the foresight or the ability to go out and buy a present by himself. Take it from me. My parents bought my presents for them till I was about sixteen! So we can really look at the advert as child cruelty. Both parents are clearly oblivious that their child has been wandering around John Lewis alone looking for the perfect gift. Or, even worse, he has been surfing the net for some deals. Who knows what he might have found! He may now have an addiction to ebay. Terrible parenting. Also I am 100 percent certain that if John Lewis had picked a fugly, British cynicism would have kicked in and we would have ridiculed this advert. But no, give the public a mop top with Bambi eyes and everyone melts. Seriously people get with it! It is not being heartless. It is seeing it for the smug, knowing, commercial tug at the heart strings that it is. Don’t give in, that’s what they want! God I’d rather have the Frosties ‘they’re going to taste gggggreat’ kid back! Obnoxious, self satisfied, he’s the perfect parallel for advertising agencies.

Also he is worth crying about. I’m sure after that advert he has become a social pariah and now is the outcast teenager eating alone at lunch. Now that advert can be added to my crying list. Sob.Anyway I’ve got to go. It’s breakfast time. They’re going to taste great, they’re going to taste great. I can hear the sound of Frosties hitting me plate! Seriously, that is the line! Who the bloody hell eats Frosties off a plate! So stupid and yet completely and utterly preferable to John Lewis’s adverts. At least it wallows in it’s own corporate cynicism. John Lewis is the evil enforcer of fake sentiment. John Lewis’s child is the devil incarnate. And on that note I am off to sip a victory cup of Starbucks coffee. Golly I hate corporate consumerism.